Voting for W.C. Fields

"Is it possible to be funnier than W.C. Fields?" Dick Cavett asks in his foreword to a 2016 reprint of Fields for President, a book Fields wrote for his mock campaign for president in 1940.

Well, yes, it is possible to be funnier than W.C. Fields. Even in his prime, Fields was not funny to everyone. And even those of us who have laughed at his movies over the years have not laughed at everything he did. He had hits and misses, like everyone else who tries to be funny.

His book, which undoubtedly has lost some of its humor over 85 years, has some of both.

Fields's "platform" for the presidency covers seven subjects: marriage, income tax, resolutions (or campaign promises), etiquette, physical fitness, the care of babies and business success. He devotes a chapter to each.

Regarding marriage, he says, "Never try to impress a woman! Because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life." A hit.

On the income tax, he says, "In other words, the government fixes it so that you have a choice of (1) starving to death by having an income so low that you do not have to pay a tax; or (2) have an income high enough to pay a tax — and then starving to death after you've paid it." A hit.

As for kissing babies on the campaign trail, he writes, "I always carried a number of sterilized blindfolds, which I would casually place over each baby's eyes before I kissed it. This prevented its growth from being stunted through terror." Another hit.

The comic's misses tend to come when he gets wordy, as in a long story about a common house fly on the wall at Harvard Medical School that ends up getting a degree. What does this have to do with running for president? Not much, and the humor ends long before the story does.

Those who love W.C. Fields will find enough pleasure here to make reading the book worthwhile. Others should simply avoid it.

An international language

English has become an international language in two different ways. First, people almost everywhere in the world learn English in school even if it is not spoken in their homes. Whether it's for business, for enjoying western movies, websites, books, etc., or simply for speaking with American tourists, it makes sense to learn English wherever one lives.

Recently I stayed in a home where several young men from Nepal were living while attending college in Ohio. In conversing with each other they always spoke their native language, but they could switch to English very easily whenever I stepped into the room. I, on the other hand, know English and only English.

I have known visitors from China, Nigeria, South Korea and other countries who spoke my language as well as I did, often without much of an accent. That's because English is an international language. English speakers can visit almost anywhere in the world and find someone who understands what they are saying.

English is international in another way, as well. The language readily welcomes new words from anywhere. While French is a language that discourages acceptance of foreign words, English readily accepts foreign words and is enriched by them.

Consider the origin of several words so common that we might think of them as being English from the start: rocket (Italian), rapids (Canadian French), punch (Hindi), boss (Dutch), emotion (French), tycoon (Japanese), robot (Czech).

The reason foreign words sound English when English speakers say them is that while we may accept foreign words, we do not, as a rule, accept foreign pronunciations. We may accept ukulele from the Hawaiian language, but that doesn't mean we say it the same way native Hawaiians say it. We turned it into an English word.

By contrast, when an English word is adopted into many other languages, it is often pronounced as an English speaker would say it. Thus, it can be surprising to listen to a German radio station, for example, and to suddenly hear English words, said as an American might say them, inserted into otherwise German sentences.

When other languages sometimes adopt English words, they often take them pronunciation and all. English speakers, on the other, welcome words from anywhere, but then we make them our own.

Nothing respectable

I read in preference to almost every other activity, though I didn't read anything respectable.

Jane Smiley, 13 Ways of Looking at the Novel

Jane Smiley

Like so many girls of her generation, Jane Smiley enjoyed reading the adventures of the Bobbsey Twins and Nancy Drew, as she describes it now, not "anything respectable." Nevertheless she matured into one of America's most respected and versatile novelists, as well as the author of 13 Ways of Looking at the Novel, a 500-plus page book that analyzes 101 major novels, none of them featuring Nancy Drew or the Bobbsey Twins.

I guess one could consider today's brief essay as a continuation of the one I posted a few days ago, "Too many or too few?" At that time I considered the question of whether low-brow books drive out the high-brow ones. In Jane Smiley's case, that was obviously not true.

And I don't think it's true for young readers in general. Anything they read with pleasure, whether it's Nancy Drew mysteries or comic books, encourages the habit of reading. Perhaps they will transition one day from Nancy Drew to Harlequin romances, and that's OK. At least they are still reading. Some of these avid young readers, however, will transition to Jane Austen and George Eliot. What's important for the young is developing the reading habit, an even more challenging goal in an age of smart phones and social media.

My granddaughter, who recently turned 24, always has several books going at once, just like her grandpa. She was overjoyed when I gave her a gift card to buy more books. She is proof that even in today's world it is still possible to create avid readers, not unlike Jane Smiley.

Fake news

I loved The Onion once upon a time. Then I found the Babylon Bee, which  had sharper, funnier satirical headlines and was more consistent with my own worldview.

The other day in Greensburg, Pa., I found the first copy of The Onion I had seen in years, and I bought it to see how it stacked up in 2025.

All satire, including the Bee, has hits and misses, and much of this depends upon the individual. Some things just strike some people as funny, but not other people. This issue of The Onion had a few hits, though not many in my opinion.

On the front page, I liked the story headlined "Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products." Also funny were a couple of teasers for stories not actually in the fake newspaper: "Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check" and "Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa."

Inside there is a mostly dull graphic called Alligator Alcatraz By the Numbers that has one redeeming gag: "3 — Average outfit changes per Kristi Noem photo op." To be funny, satire should be exaggerated reality. Too much exaggeration and it's not funny. Not enough reality and it's not funny. This gag hits the mark perfectly.

By contrast, there is a graphic on the opposite page headlined "CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles." Here we have too much exaggeration and not enough reality. Back in the Covid-19 days, a similar map might have actually been amusing.

Most of the rest of this issue of The Onion has a similar imbalance and thus fails to tickle my funny bone.

The Babylon Bee has its own share of failures, too, and I read very few of their fake news stories because they fail to consistently amuse. Their headlines, however, are usually first-rate. Consider some recent examples:

"Entire American University System Officially Designated A Terrorist Organization."

"Millions Of Christian Extremists Gather To Pray For Those Who Want To Kill Them."

"Navy Recruitment Soars After Going Back To Blowing Up Pirates."

"Trump Invites Doubting Democrats To Touch The Hole In His Ear." (That may be a bit sacrilegious, but it's still funny.

"Chuck Schumer Said He's Never Felt In Danger Walking In DC And Neither Have His Ten Bodyguards."

"CNN: Charlie Kirk Memorial 'Mostly Hateful'"

The right dose of exaggeration combined with the right dose of reality. Now that's funny.

Too many or too few?

Is a multitude of books a good thing or a bad thing?

John Steinbeck

"I guess there are never enough books," John Steinbeck said.

On the other hand, Voltaire said, "The multitude of books is making us ignorant."

So which view is the correct one? I tend to agree with both.

I have never thought I owned too many books, even when they were in multiple stacks in the attic of my Ohio home — or now when they fill a storage unit so that I can barely enter. I just received a check for more than $1,400 from the sale of several first editions. I can't help viewing this windfall as an excuse to go book shopping.

Yet Voltaire has a point, too. When there are so many books, it becomes difficult to focus on the best ones. I am presently reading a thrilling C.J. Box novel. I enjoy his books, but I could intsead be rereading something by Steinbeck, which might be more edifying. Most of us choose mysteries or thrillers or romances over serious novels and poetry and challenging nonfiction most of the time. Is that making us ignorant?

At one time most people had very few books in their homes. And these were mostly books of high quality — the Bible, perhaps something by Dickens or something by Milton or something by Shakespeare. These were read over and over again. Then came the so-called penny dreadfuls and then cheap paperbacks, and the world of literature changed. Did it change for the better? I think so, but then again, maybe not.

Cold cases

In mysteries, old murders can help solve new murders and new murders can help solve old ones. Both are true in Peter Robinson’s 2023 Alan Banks novel, Standing in the Shadows.

Two stories, nearly 40 years apart, come together. In 1980, a student radical is found murdered, and her former boyfriend, Nick, is a prime suspect. Nick, who narrates this part of the tale, suspects Mark, Alice’s new boyfriend, but he has disappeared, and the police show no interest in finding him. And soon they lose interest in Nick, as well, and even in the case itself. What's going on?

In 2019, an archaeologist digging for Roman ruins finds a skeleton in a field, clearly just a few years old. Identifying the victim proves difficult, but gradually it is found to be the remains of a nattily dressed underworld figure.

How these two very different unsolved cases tie together makes for an interesting entry in this top-rate British police series.

Mysterious flights

The migration of birds has long been one of the great mysteries of nature. In Long Hops, Mark Denny adds to the mystery even as he tries his best to solve it.

Not that Denny fails in his task. Rather he points out so many variables in bird migration that simple solutions do not suffice.

We normally think of birds flying south for the winter and north for summer, at least in the northern hemisphere. Yet some birds migrate east-west. Others go up and down — up the mountain in warm weather, down again when it turns cooler. Robins have been known to change direction in mid-migration as temperatures change.

Blue grouses can’t fly. They migrate on foot.

Some birds migrate by sight, following coastlines or other markers. Others migrate by smell or by infrasound. Some follow their favorite foods. Others find their way by the stars. Others by internal compasses. Some seem to have been hatched with the knowledge of where they are supposed to be at a certain time of year.

As his title suggests, Denny is primarily interested in birds that travel long distances, sometimes thousands  of miles. He lives in Hawaii, and birds that migrate to and from there must fly a long way without stopping to rest or to refuel. He estimates that a high percentage of birds die simply because they lack the energy for such distances.

Denny’s book, published in 2016, is probably too basic for experts in this field, yet often too technical for us amateurs. There is enough here, however, for anyone with even the slightest interest in bird migration to find fascinating. And mysterious.