Please and thank you

In the United States, we are taught at an early age to say please and thank you, and most of us have learned the lesson so well that we repeat the words many times each day, often without thought. We may find ourselves thanking someone who is thanking us at the same time. Although we may give little thought before saying please or thank you, we usually notice when someone fails to say those words to us. How rude of that person not to say please when asking for directions or thank you afterward. I recall a Seinfeld episode with a bit about a driver who failed to give a thank-you wave. The exaggerated response to this rudeness was funny, but only because it came so close to what so many of us might feel in a similar circumstance. The other day when I stopped to let three cyclists cross the street, I noticed that each of the three gave me a thank-you wave.

Deepak Singh

Yet other cultures have very different ideas about what is proper behavior and what is rude, meaning that travelers should beware. In her book The Girl at the Baggage Claim, Gish Jen says that the people of India take a dim view of Americans who insist on thanking them for everything. In India, thanking another for a small favor or an expected courtesy is considered rude.

She quotes Indian-American writer Deepak Singh on the subject. It took Singh years to adopt the American habit of saying thank you repeatedly, but this habit holds when he returns to India, where he offends people by saying the same words. After visiting an uncle, Singh writes, "I made the mistake of telling him, in English, 'Thank you for inviting me' before leaving his house, realizing the import of my words only after they had left my mouth. He didn't respond, but I saw his expression turn sour. He was filled with disgust. I couldn't even apologize for thanking him. The damage was done."

Why was this offensive? Singh explains that "by thanking them, you're violating your intimacy with them and creating formality and distance that shouldn't exist. They may think that you're closing off the possibility of relying on each other in the future."

When my wife and I were in Paris last summer, a guide told our group about the importance of greeting everyone in France with the word bonjour. To not say this word upon greeting anyone, whether shopkeeper, waiter, cab driver, hotel maid or stranger on the street, is considered extremely rude. We followed that advice and received excellent, friendly service in return. One wonders whether those American tourists who complain of French rudeness have simply failed to say bonjour.