Original relationships

Richard Russo

In an essay in The Destiny Thief with the same title as this one, "Original Relationships," novelist Richard Russo recalls hearing that phrase mentioned by one of his grad school professors, who was speaking of the importance of forming one's own opinion about something before listening to what the experts say about it.

That means reading a book or a story or a poem before your professor lectures on it. Or before you read a review or go to your book club. Watch a movie before reading what the critics say about it. See a work of art in a museum before listening to other opinions about it.

Why? Russo tells us what his professor told him: "When you're told what to look for ... you'll likely find it, and having found it, you'll be less likely to notice what you otherwise might have."

There's wisdom there, it seems to me. This gives value to your own opinions, your own taste, your own convictions, your own first impressions. It can be unsettling, of course, when experts express strong opinions counter to your own. To read harsh criticism of a book you treasure or praise for a book you despise reflects not just on that book but on you yourself. It suggests you are just not smart enough or tasteful enough to see how bad it is or how good it is.

Yet experts routinely disagree among themselves. If one critic dislikes a book, there is likely to be another who loves it. One of them probably agrees with you. Your opinion matters, too. It can later be informed by other views. It may even be changed. Yet your original opinion, or your original relationship, matters. Why did you think that way? Were you necessarily wrong? What did you notice that others, even if they are experts, didn't?

It is always a mistake, I believe, to allow our opinions to be shaped entirely by others. That can mean not reading only best sellers, not listening only to "popular" music or not adopting the same political views as others in your circle. Your opinions also matter. Remember your original opinions and convictions. Were they really so wrong?

For some reason this has made me think of my father. Toward the end of their long lives, my mother criticized him constantly to his face and to anyone else around. He could do nothing right. One could tell this hurt him, but Dad never said anything about it. Instead he started telling more stories about their dating days and the early years of their marriage. He told these stories with a smile on his face and with tears in his eyes. He was remembering their original relationship.

Original relationships are important, no matter what happens after that.