How to apologize

Gary Chapman's five love languages have, over the years, become an essential tool for helping people understand how they both express and experience love. In 2022, with the help of Jennifer Thomas, he produced the book 5 Apology Languages, which does the same kind of thing with apology.

Just as we do not all think of love in the same way, so we do not all think of apology in the same way. Thus, what one person thinks of as an apology may seem totally insufficient to the person receiving the apology. The five languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change and requesting forgiveness.

The authors give us many case studies involving individuals who either cannot bring themselves to make an apology or, if they do, fail to do it in a way that is meaningful to the offended person. Simply saying you are sorry won't work for someone who expects change or restitution.

The authors touch on, but to my mind do not give enough attention to, the fact that in many, if not most, conflicts, both people share some guilt. One thing leads to another in so many disagreements, each causing escalation. Yet often it is just one person who is expected to make an apology.

Chapman and Thomas add helpful material to the end of their book. What should we avoid saying when we are trying to apologize? What things should we say? How can we determine what our own apology language might be?

Their book can be useful for anyone involved in a personal relationship — in other words, all of us.